The Question
How many times have you been asked – how could such an attractive, successful, young woman like you be single??
Yet when you waited for other things in your life so as not to SETTLE, a word very much feared by those in relationships, you were applauded, both silently and literally.
You waited to line up the perfect job, waited to leave it for something even better, waited before having sex too soon, waited to comparison shop for your fall splurge handbag, waited to try on every single shade of lipgloss in the seasonal trend story before picking your favorite, you waited until it felt just right for you. Naturally.
So why now then, in the sole arena of relationships, all the rush? All the external pressure?
Singledom means different things to different people, but speaking solely for the group I call A-Game Girls – for us being single is not an unfortunate fate but rather a cognizant choice to not settle for the safe guys we’ve all had our chance with, but moved on from knowing we want and deserve more. And if that choice leaves us single longer, so be it. We weren’t here to play it safe anyway. We’ll take the risk and in time collect the reward.
If the women I’m speaking about, myself included, were able to craft the ideal man the way we skillfully crafted our resumes and the perfect smoky eye – of course we’d all forego our single status for him. But as my coworker says of men – they’re just “limited.” So until I find one whose limitations don’t double, triple, quadruple mine – I’m cool flying sola.
Most men are just not bringing to the table what we can these days. And the Settlers mixed in with the Girls-Gone-Wild Generation have doomed us from ever expecting more. They have lowered the standards and we all now suffer.
At the end of the day, I can afford my own expenses, my rent, my vacations, my $15 mojitos, my Pradas (well, maybe just that one pair)… I can lift and build things in my apt. That’s not true. But I can pay someone else to lift and build for me. I don’t need to be taken care of. I just need companionship from, and chemistry with, someone as cool as…………….. me ;-)
In no way am I anti-male or cynical about romance and passion, certainly I am not anti-relationship, what I am is anti-force-fitting-my-life to meet the needs of those who consistently and condescendingly ask The Question.
The way I see it is rather than search for The One (you know you can “approach it like it’s a job” and “say yes to every guy who asks you out” and see what happens), I prefer to catch and throw back like a compassionate fisher in the sea of love – because what’s biting, simply put, is just not good enough.
That doesn’t mean dating and single life can’t still be a whole lot of fun. And when I finally meet my match, I’m pretty sure I’ll know it.
Here’s a new Question to consider: How could any highly intelligent young woman enter into an institution knowing the incredible odds stacked against her? I mean – statistically speaking, having the same chance as randomly flipping a coin isn’t too reassuring.
So, for me, to jump in with both feet and “settle” down with someone, he better well be the best damn thing that’s ever happened to me… or worth every cent of my divorce party.
Couldn’t agree more!!! Anyway, who cares about marriage. I say – why have 1 guy…when you could have 5? ;)
Well said! I wish I had a dollar for everytime I heard a version of The Question. This guy recently said that he was sick of hearing me say that I wasn’t meeting anyone….cause it’s easy enough to him, all I have to do is walk into a bar and surely there would be many guys to chose from. Is he kidding!?
Haha! What, you don’t see the man of your dreams sitting at the bar? I’m shocked.
I saw Seal and Heidi Klum on Oprah recently, very nice – very in love – BUT he was pretty ehhh on Heidi and after being with her didn’t see her for a few months and when he did she was…pregnant. Seeing her that way made him “suddenly realize” that he wanted to be with her.
What?!?!? She’s HEIDI KLUM. So, if he didn’t accidentally get her pregnant, she wouldn’t have necessarily become the woman in his life.
Holy crap.
Best topic for a post… ever. I get asked that questions a lot too. Here is my 2 cents….
The older I get (which I don’t mind happening), several things become more important to me when looking for someone to spend my time/love/life with. Why waste your time with someone who doesn’t totally get you, love you, and practice love in general. [Note it took many fun, passionate, dysfunctional and beautiful relationships to reach this conclusion.] I am willing to wait and see if it comes my way. Having a BF does not define who you are or your capacity to love those nearest and dearest or the ability to receive their love. In my opinion that is total point to life – love.
Back to aging and getting smarter… I find that the things that are very important to my happiness and fulfillment, and I REFUSE to settle, ARE kindness, respect, spirituality, obsession with music and film, the ability to understand/accept/support you for who you are, and the ability to drive you crazy in bed. I have been close on many counts. Just haven’t found all that in one person. And I may never. But to get some of those in small doses truly helps me to feel less alone in the world and comforted that someone gets me.
I am too busy to worry about whether I will be wearing white at my wedding as I run the most successful post-facility in NY. Let’s get real – I am meeting the challenges of life… and if getting a ring and white dress will complete that… so be it. I doubt that it will for me. I can’t see how that could ever seem as important as connecting with a person – loving them and them loving you.
End of lecture. Om Shanti.
SBOMB – i LOVED your post!! So true. I too believe the whole point of life is to give and receive LOVE in every and any capacity (and to have fun along the way).
SCB – I cannot believe that about Heidi Klum. Did you happen to Tivo that episode???
ALISAL – Think we should start a QUESTION Collection Fund?? Everyone puts in a dollar when asked, and at the end of the year we spend it on something fabulous?????? ;)
Amen!!!!! I am complete, whole, and fabulous so I am not looking for my “other half.” How sad, the idea that we need someone else to complete us? As if we as individuals are not enough?
I have lots of love in my life on many levels for which I am so grateful. And I have loved a select few guys over the years, all incredible and well suited for the time in my life for which they were a part. I’ve found it before, so I know I can find it again. In the meantime, when I hear The Question, I am happy to reply “I’m single because I’m dating Manhattan.”