Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth

Temperatures approximated 70 degrees yesterday in Manhattan and yet it’s that time of year to start thinking about the holidays.

As I reflect on Christmases past, I recall all the amazing gifts I’ve received from old loves. Amazingly unthoughtful, self-serving, inappropriate and… awe-inspiring, in the bad way. Thankfully, my sense of humor is fully intact as I – without shame – look a gift horse dead in its mouth. 

Because truthfully, it’s pure comedy. Now, anyway :)

My Top 5 Favorite Bad Gifts that Only a Boy Could Give:

1. A blank giftcard to a department store with no card. Incredibly original and thoughtful. How DID he know?? Lots of research and consulting my friends, I’m sure.

2. A bigger, better TV. That would get a great deal of use. By him. He worked from home while I kept a 9-5 with client entertaining in the evenings. I rarely watched the thing.

3. Lingerie. Whimsical, playful, fabulous ruffle lingerie from Loungewear Betty (a supercool brand at the time). It was just right in a not-trying-too-hard yet still-sexy, retro kind of way. Very well-made. To perfectly fit a girl at least 2 cup sizes smaller. Quite useful. I believe I still have this somewhere with the tags on.

4. A brown suede Coach wallet. Back when I only liked leather and wore all black (as every NY woman once did). Veeeeery attentive he was.  A keeper.

5. A diamond necklace in the shape of a heart with the words ‘I love you’ also in diamonds in the middle. He was a smart one. It served one purpose: Other men translated those three sparkly words as ‘Taken.’ Taken by the kind of guy who would buy this kind of thing for his girl. It worked better than mace in keeping the boys away. More (and he cannot be credited with this as for sure he was not so clever), unlike other gifts of jewelry, I could not wear it once we broke up. To this day, among friends it is known as my medallion.

So I thank these gift-givers for their gifts that kept on giving – I’m laughing still.

DISCLAIMER: I would like to add, in small type if only I knew how to make it smaller, that the true gift each of these guys gave was not in a box on Christmas morning but their love and companionship every day. All truly great guys.

Over time I’ve come to accept women as the superior gift-givers. It’s just the fact. But that is not to say men won’t hear it when their present is simply pitiful. I like to think of it as an education. Over the holidays, school is in session.