misMATCHed
I have an exboyfriend of a certain age (40+), of a certain marital status (divorced), of a certain education level (high school) and with a son closer in age to me than he is (21 this March).
I presently do not believe any of the above matters when it comes to decisions of the heart, but at the time we dated I was certain this made us somewhat……… mismatched.
We met on an elevator in September of 2002 and lasted almost a year, switching gears to a platonic relationship that has surprisingly endured. Fast forward three years from when we met and there he is – on match.com – lying about the exact things I once personally considered ruling him out for. And the question presents itself – is it horribly wrong for guys (and girls) to lie about the very things that are deal-breakers for potential significant others – or is it horribly wrong to prematurely narrow down the playing field based on age and marital status and education level and family. In the end, are these the things that matter?
At this point in my life, I fully recognize they are not. I mean, is there really a set height and income necessary for love and companionship?
Of course I don’t respect or justify my ex’s dishonesty in any way. Oh contraire!! When I first found out about it through a friend whose criteria he supposedly met, I printed out the profile, highlighted the lies and placed a copy under his door with a personal note that, shall I say, exemplified “tough love.” Honesty is a value I will not compromise. But at the same time, I don’t necessarily understand this process that allows users to reduce prospects to their simplest stats, thus propelling some to take “creative license” with their profile.
Dating has often been referred to as “a numbers game,” but at least in the early selection stage should this other set of numbers (profile stats) play such a prominent factor?
Because truthfully, the end of my relationship with my ex had as little to do with his big income and successful career (which of course get a great deal of play on his profile) as it did his ex-wife and disinterest in continued education (which of course do not). It was because, at a very base level, I saw him for who he was – the kind of guy who’d lie on match.com and think nothing of it because that’s just how the game is played.
It was our core values, not our life circumstances, that didn’t seem to sync up.
Now that we are just friends, I see how the surface-level things about him that a ‘match’ would potentially select against end up revealing themselves in his best qualities.
My ex is a better person for the maturity that can only come with years of recognizing what truly matters in life, better for leaving an unhealthy relationship than passively allowing it to linger, better for his street smarts and better for having raised a son he loves more than anything… certainly better than the majority of his younger, never married, highly-educated, kid-free counterparts. But you wouldn’t gain any of that from his profile.
Of course, I know a lot of people who’ve met their husbands and boyfriends using a variety of online dating services so I can’t say the system is broken – but perhaps it’s…. fractured.
Anyone have ideas to mend it?
Or better, their own amusing and entertaining tales of online deception??
Well, here are my 2 cents. I have never participated in online dating for the following reasons:
a) the people you are meeting online are strangers.
b) the act of meeting strangers is intimidating so people lie in order to protect themselves from the reality of the situation.
c) the reality of the situation is that it’s frightening to reveal yourself to total strangers (not to mention potentially dangerous) so people tend to become fiction writers as a defense.
d) the fictiousness occurs differently for men and women – men lie about their past, women lie about their physical attributes and both genders tend to put misleading pictures up.
e) even though all this deception occurs, people still get together and if they like each other enough can get to the truth – once the fear is gone and the veil is lifted – and then the real matching can begin.
f) while some people find a good match, the happiest people are the owners of these websites…although the price of gas to fill the tanks of all their yachts is a real bitch ;-)
I don’t know, I am totally at odds with this whole situation as an online dater. I have been faced with some really questionable situations lately and wondering why I am still paying for this service (fueling the yachts of the owners of these sites as SCB points out : (
I think that some of the upfront profiling acts as a good filter…I mean you know you are not attracted to bald guys or short guys so you try to weed them out just like you would in day to day life. Things like education and past history… well I am not sure that is so important to making the initial cut for me personally. I wouldn’t consider that a lie. Would it be a lie if I left out the fact that I have a therapist that I see twice a month? Stating in your profile that you are 5 ft. 10 in. and showing up for the date being as tall as me in my 4 inch heels (that would be 5 ft. 4 in.) LIE! There is a difference.
Not so sure that the system is broken, just different strokes for different folks. Look back on the previous post about “the settlers”, and the “ggw”. These girls are ok with what they get and seem to be setting the standards even in the online world. Other people may be able to get past some of the surprises that arrive on their first date but what I put out there is what I expect to receive. I must say that I have met a handful of guys that have been very true to what they posted in their profiles. They have been great and we have had fun-just not lately.
My recent war stories…1. a guy that asked to come over before we even spoke on the phone (p.s. I have no sexy or seductive photos on my profile so am confused as to why they would ever think I would be the kind of girl that would be looking for this…the exchange went like this …how are you? want to come over? ) 2. a guy that asked me to send him additional pictures of myself so he didn’t have to keep signing onto the site to see me…WHAT?, we have never even met face to face, what are you doing with these pics? (This also confirms the first instance, I don’t have any sexy pics posted-he is just a freak.) 3. a few guys that won’t call even after we have exchanged emails and phone #s…they just want to write- sorry, no penpals…weird!. 4. a cute boy that was actually honest and told me he was bi-sexual, but interested in a relationship with women. Ok, applaud the honesty here, however I have enough trouble competing with the female population in this city, men too? Really?If only I could just have him as my good gay/bi friend… awesome! I think we could have a lot of fun, but I still haven’t responded!
I just keep hoping all the effort and $ that goes into it might just be worth it one day.
“we know we don’t like bald or short guys”?? What the f?
Tom Cruise – 5 7
Al Pacino – 5 6
Ben Stiller – 5 7
lenny kravutz – 5 6
Danny Devito – 5 2
Telly Savales – bald
Seal – bald
Bruce Willis – bald
Ed Harris – bald
Vin Diesel – bald
The Rock – bald
Charlie Brown – bald
George Costanza – bald
Maybe if our friend exapanded her search to include bald or short guys she wouldn’t be single.
Sincerly,
B. Aldy Shortman
Dear B.aldy,
Understanding the merit of your point (since it was partly the basis of my original post), I’d like to make certain you don’t really think the men you included in this list are so desirable to modern, young women.
Having nothing to do with bald or short, or rich or famous for that matter – I just don’t think these men make most girl’s Top 13. Minus George Costanza, naturally.
Sincerely,
L. Diva